Bad Intentions

I took a deep breath as I thought about the warm, brightly lit memories of summer and how they’d become the multi-colored golden shades of fall. It was almost time to get back to reality. Yep, I was back in Utah and more importantly soon, I’d be back in high school. The mere thought of it made it seem even closer. But it was inevitable, I was going back to school as a senior and I was so close to the finish line I could see it.

Thank God!

I would be free and no longer would I have to sneak out. I could come in and out of my room as I pleased when I graduated. I would be a college girl, something that I’d dreamed of being forever. I just had to start, and finish, this final year of high school, then real life would begin. Maybe I’d even get a chance with Abe, the boy next door that made my heart jump out of f*ck*ng control. It was as if I lost all sense when I was with him. But, I had to get through those first days, before I could think about anything else.

I blew air out of pursed lips as I thought about those first days and how they’d go down. The problem with going back to school after summer vacation was that everyone who didn’t see you during summer wanted to know what you did while you were on vacation. Even the teachers made a big deal out of asking you about your summer escapades.

That was fine normally, but this year, my summer vacation was hell, it wasn’t a vacation at all. Those weeks of ‘freedom’ had been all about spending my time with my dying Gran. Sure, she’d lived with her cancer for a long time and we knew that she’d come to a horrible end. But knowing about it was one thing, it was whole other thing to actually see it, to watch as someone slowly succumbed with pain and sickness marring every moment of their awareness.

“Vicki!”

I heard a pebble as it landed and bounced off my window followed by my name being called out. Not once, but twice and I knew that whoever was outside was not going to give up any time soon. I sighed as I thought about it and wondered who it was.

I’d only just got back home and hadn’t even told my best friends that I’d arrived yet. I was exhausted from the journey, the funeral, and spending some quality time with my grieving mom. We hadn’t spent that much time together in a long time.

“What?” I shouted out as I opened the window to see Abe.

F*ck, it was him.

He’d texted me a couple of times during vacation, but I wasn’t a fool. Number one: there was no way that the hot baseball player next door was interested in me, well not in that way. Number two: there was no way that he wanted to be anything but friends.

I had enough friends; I didn’t need one more.

He was outside my window throwing stones like a lovesick teenager. It was kind of cute, but I didn’t want to appear too eager. I flushed because I’d been thinking about him earlier, before I realized that he was outside my window.

Well, not exactly thinking about him. It was more like spying as I watched his window. I’d wondered if he’d hooked up with anyone during the summer. His light had gone out in his room and so had my curiosity until now.

He was standing by the tree next to my window. One that had grown to the perfect height, with big, fat limbs long enough that I could use them to sneak out of my room from my window. Something that I’d become accustomed to doing this year.

“You could text me?” I whispered loudly to him, which made no sense, because he had done that, and I hadn’t bothered replying. I didn’t know what to say, besides my head wasn’t really in the right place when he did it. I was either at the hospital or talking to Mom. Something that we hadn’t done in what felt like forever.

Automatically, he had a look of annoyance on that perfect face of his.

I was thinking about what his texts meant and that was driving me insane. I had made up my mind that all he wanted was for us to be friends and I didn’t want that. My besties would tell me that I was putting myself down too much, that a guy as hot as Abe could actually be into me. I could tell myself whatever I wanted to, but actions were louder than words. Apart from asking me to tutor him a couple of times, there had been no signs from Abe that he wanted anything more from me. Well, no apparent signs until now.

Anyway, I wasn’t ready to welcome him up to my room right now. Not when I was in bad need of a shower and mouthwash. I hadn’t eaten in the last few hours, something that I wasn’t used to doing. Usually, I would eat regularly like a newborn baby, but today my emotions were so mixed up my stomach had been in knots. Part of me was glad to be back and back to reality. The other part of me was sad about what had happened during the summer and even sadder about the idea of being back in this house.

Ugh!

“So, I shouldn’t come up?”

“Okay, come up!” I called down, my face scrunched up in a way that was probably ugly, but I couldn’t control my face. It did whatever it wanted. Abe had caught me by surprise, and I couldn’t help it, I said the first thing that came into my mind.

It was kind of old-fashion, Abe being down there throwing rocks at my window. Something that they did in Romeo & Juliet and I used to wish that I’d been born in a different era to experience something like that. Now, I was and the only thing that I could think about was mouthwash and shower gel. I wasn’t feeling particularly romantic, especially after the last time that I was in this house. The place I used to think of as home was now just a place to crash until I could get out of here and go to college. Less than one full year and nearly one academic year and I’d be counting every single day until it finally arrived.

“Sorry about not replying to your texts or even calling,” I said and winced trying to make up for him trying to be sweet and me acting like a b*tch.

Please! No one calls anymore. It’s all about messaging. Only old people make phone calls.

“Yeah…I should have called you maybe, but I didn’t think it through. There was too much going on…” He looked like he really wished I’d called him, and my heart skipped a beat, again.

I wondered through a split second if he’d really wanted me to call him for a particular reason or just to talk? I became mesmerized by his eyes. Those incredibly hypnotic eyes of his put me in a trance whenever he was near. The kind of hypnotizing green eyes that sparkled whenever he was smiling, like he was right now.

He motioned back at his house. “I think everyone’s asleep. Calling you might have woken everyone up.”

He was right, and at the same time, texting seemed kind of weird when our rooms faced each other. Usually, I would wave to him from my window every once in a while, to let him know that I was home and to see if he was interested in coming over. But he never was, unless it was to be tutored, which had never made any sense to me. His grades were better than mine, even after I tutored him. It made me wonder if maybe he wanted more from me, silly thing that I am.

Abe was half-way up the tree outside my window when I glanced down again. I didn’t know what to do, was there something wrong with me that he thought he could just come up to my window like this?

The last night that I’d spent in this room before going to Gran’s had started to make me paranoid once more. The idea of a man being in my room, and what he might to do me entered my mind. Then I remembered that Abe and I had spent many nights in my room. Studying. Or more like I was supposed to be tutoring him. Even if he didn’t need it. No, nothing happened back then. Nothing bad. It wasn’t about to happen right now either. Abe wasn’t like that. He wasn’t like him. I shook the idea out of my head. What happened that night was over as soon as it began. I was happy, I told myself, to be back home, not only to see my friends but to see Abe too.

“You know…”

Before I even finished my sentence, we were standing face-to-face. Well, sort of, Abe was awkwardly hanging from the branch and my ledge and I was facing him, wondering if it was a good idea to invite him into my room.

“If you don’t want me to come in…,” he started but trailed off, obviously unsure of what to do now that he was this far up.

“No, it’s fine, you just surprised me, that’s all,” I said in my defense, thinking that I needed to hide my emotions better. I’d studied with Abe many times in my room. The crazy baseball player said that he needed tutoring and I knew it was a lie, but I played along with it. After all, he could easily be Liam Hemsworth’s identical twin brother. How could I resist?

I was thinking about hitting the shower, brushing my teeth and putting on a hot dress, but I realized that I was too late. Any form of grooming to make my overgrown bangs behave or doing my nails was out of the question. I was too late, and I hated myself for it.

Why did I open up my window?

I should have turned off the lights. I was eighteen and in the last few days I’d become too scared to sleep with the lights off. Just because as Mom started to count down the days until we came back here, I started reliving the night before we left. My emotions would eat at me in the dark and now I had to wonder if I should have come clean and told my mom about what had happened.

It was like the Cosby case. Everyone said, hey why did those women wait so long to talk? Sure, in my case, it wasn’t years, but there was this impression that if women were attacked then they should come clean on the night or not say anything at all. I wasn’t sure who made up this rule, but that seemed to be it. So, I did what women had done before me, like the Cosby women, and just kept quiet. Now, I had to live with my silence and part of me felt guilty for it. This was the reason that I couldn’t sleep as Mom counted the days down until we left. I couldn’t even begin to think about sleeping tonight, even if it was pretty early.

“Sure. Sorry, I wasn’t sleeping. It’s not that late even if I do feel a little sleepy,” I said and brushed my hands through my hair as if to straighten it. Now, I didn’t know who was more nervous? Him or me?

I tried to figure out what to say, but I decided to just step back from the window and smile. As I did, he hesitated for a second as if he wasn’t sure if it was a good idea or not.

“Come in. Before you wake Mom and Stuart.” I didn’t know if they were sleeping, neither did I really care. I just didn’t want him hanging outside the window in case my nosey neighbor was watching. If she was, I would be in trouble, because gossip was her forte ever since she retired from being a teacher and decided that she would take up a new job. Sometimes Mom knew that I was up late, not because she heard me in my room, but because the neighbor told her, “She looks tired. Maybe if she had more sleep, she wouldn’t be so tired. I mean sometimes she’s up till the early hours of the morning.”

Really?

Mom would look at me as if she was shocked about my late, night hours or rather early hours, and I would look at my neighbor with a definite ‘what the f*ck’ expression. She couldn’t have mistaken the tone of my glare at all.

Abe slipped through the window and he lifted his legs with ease as he came into my room and stood there, waiting. I backed away from him, unsure whether it was out of fear that a male was in my room after dark or if I was happy that he was there. I was sending mixed signals and I knew it, but between the brown bird’s nest that was my hair and my blue eyes that had turned a dull shade of blue, something that I noticed as my reflection caught the light of the window, I wondered if letting in him was really a good idea. If, and there was a big f*ck*ng if, he was interested in me before then he sure the hell wouldn’t be right now.

Hell, I wouldn’t be interested in me right now.

I looked messed up and I smelled it as I lifted my arm up slightly and came to the realization that if I lifted it any higher then Abe would be back down that tree a lot faster than he came up. And if my neighbor was up, hell she could probably smell the stench from across the road. Well, maybe it wasn’t that bad, but I wasn’t about to find out by lifting my arm any higher and letting the odor escape. It needed to stay nicely tucked away under there.

“Why didn’t you just text me, Abe? Why go to all this trouble?” I really wanted him to just go back home, give me time to shower and dress, then come back. I sighed with frustrations as I looked up at him from beneath uncurled eyelashes.

“Ah, I was worried that you would say no if I text you that I wanted to come up and talk. You didn’t act as if you wanted to open the window and I haven’t heard from you in over three weeks.”

Four. It had been four weeks. But it was