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MY FEELINGS FOR him started when we were in high school. I was about to get hit by a flying ball when he caught it for me, and he ended up getting hit. After that day, I started to notice every small movement that he makes, starting from the way his fingers brush his hair, up to the way he bites his lips whenever he’s thinking, frustrated, or when he wants to say something but chooses to keep it with him instead. I couldn’t accept that I am feeling this way for him— for my best friend since I was still in my diapers. And he doesn’t even have a single idea about what I feel for him, and I kept it for years. Until something happened between us. We play with fire over and over again every time he gets drunk, and he doesn’t even remember that I am the woman who he was making love with. Although it hurts, I accept what he can give just to feel his warmth until I get used to our set-up. Not until I got pregnant.
“YOU'RE DRINKING AGAIN. Stop." I was about to grab the bottle he was holding but he quickly moved hia hand away. I shook my head. Here he is again, drinking. I smiled sadly as I looked at him. He looks so broken. His hair is really messy and his eyes are bloodshoot red.
“Don’t stop me, Jannah. I need it,” he said firmly and drank again. I let out a sigh as I watched him drinking his heart out. Jeremy just found out that Jella has already a boyfriend and this time, Jella took her relationship seriously. Jella is Jeremy's first love. Jella was the first woman whom Jeremy took seriously, and probably the last. But then, Jella cheated on him last year and even though the bitch cheated on my friend, the jerk still loves her.
“Jeremy, why don't you just move on? She cheated on you, okay? She fucking cheated. Even if she cheated, why do you still love her?” I blurted out in annoyance. Jeremy is stupid as hell. Why does he always set his eyes on Jella only? If only he would open his heart and mind again, he would see that there are still people who love him. But of all people, why Jella? Why not. . . me?
I smiled sadly when I felt a pang in my heart. Why did my heart choose this idiot? Damn, it was the time when he saved me from that fucking ball. If that didn’t happen, I doubt I’ll fall for him.
"I don’t have a fucking idea! Fuck. I just. . . love her.” He covered his face with his palms. I could see his shoulders shaking. My heart clenched in pain at the sight of him. I’m not used to seeing Jeremy like this. I looked away, suddenly having the urge to hug him. So I did.
I slowly walked beside him and wrapped my arm around his shoulders. He buried his face in my neck. A sad smile formed on my lips as I caressed his back. Seeing Jeremy cry makes me want to cry, too. It pains me to hear his cries just because of a woman who cheated on him.
“It will be fine, Jem.” I close my eyes tightly when I felt his tears on my neck. I don’t care. Jeremy needs to let out all the things he has been carrying.
I let out a sigh. “Why Jella? Why not me, Jeremy? ” I asked him. I know he will just forget about this tomorrow, giving me the courage to tell him what I feel for him.
He slowly pulled away from our hug and looked at me. I gulped. Disbelief flashed in his eyes and there was a sarcastic smile on his face, making my heart clenc in pain. I remind myself that he was just drunk that’s why he’s being a jerk right now. He's drunk, okay? He's drunk.
Suddenly, he laughed humorlessly. I flinched. I bit my lower lip as the pain in my chest intensified. Fuck this. I could already feel my tears threatening to fall as I felt the hollow pit at the base of my stomach.
"You?" He laughed even harder as if something was funny about it. Bitterness crept up my whole system. I swallowed hard to hold back my tears. He's drunk, okay?
I strengthened myself, trying to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and make it whole again. I poured alcohol in the glass and drank it bottoms up. This is my first time drinking liquor. The bitter taste of alcohol made my face crumple, but that is nothing compared to the bitterness I am feeling right now. Fuck.
Putting the glass down, I looked at Jeremy who was shaking his head as he laughed. The idea that he would choose me seemed ridiculous to him. I close my eyes tightly when I feel the tightness of my chest. I could feel my heart breaking into pieces.
"I will never choose you, Jannah." Six words, yet too powerful. Powerful enough to break me even more. I smiled bitterly as I felt my throat hurt, trying to prevent myself from crying. I chose to cover my pain with laughter even though the pain is tearing my heart already.
“Ouch. That stings, Jem. ” I poured liquor on the glass again. I couldn’t stop my tears from falling which I also quickly wiped away. My face contorted in pain and my chest tightened like it was being crushed mercilessly in Jeremy’s cruel hands.
I firmly bit my lower lip and looked above. The lights are blinding me but I don’t fucking care. Not now. Shit. Why does it hurt so much? He said he would never choose me. My heart tore as I remembered his every words. Fuck my heart which still screams his name even until now. Four years, and I still find myself swooning over him.
Letting out a sad smile, I looked at him. “I know you will never choose me, Jem. I just want to let you know that you, no matter how painful, are the one whom I choose every day. I. . . I guess I just love you too much.” I laughed bitterly and looked at him in the eyes. My tears poured again when he just closed his eyes as if he didn't give a damn. . . as if he didn't want to hear what I had to say next.
I let out a deep sigh and wiped my tears away. I can still do this. I drew strength first before standing up. I walked towards him and wrapped one of his arms around my neck and held his waist. The pulse in my head pounded as I felt the pain spread at the back of my head. Dang, alcohol. I didn’t mind my headache. I still have to get Jeremy to his bed.
"I'll tuck you in, Jem," I whispered in his ear. He just moaned and didn't speak. I gently laid him on his bed and was about to leave to get a towel when he stopped me. I looked at his hand holding my wrist. From his hand, my gaze went up to his eyes and I could see emotions I couldn't name. I smiled sadly at him.
“Jem, I'll get a towel first— shit! ” I couldn’t help but let out a curse when he suddenly pulled me closer to him. Just like that, I found myself underneath him. My eyes widened and my chest heaved. What is he planning to do?
“J-Jem, what are you—“ My words were cut midair when he suddenly kissed me on the lips. I gasped and he took that as a chance to enter his mouth. My eyes widened even more. I could feel his lips moving! Holy fuck. Jeremy is my first kiss.
I pushed him gently. “Jem, you are drunk. Stop.” I was about to leave when he pulled me again. He made me lay down on the bed as he went on top of me. I looked at his eyes, flashing with desire and hunger which made me gasp. Shit.
“You said you love me, right? I need you. Do this for me.” I blinked twice when I heard his words. Bitterness found its way up my spine and pain started to spread throughout my heart. Fuck. I bit my lower lip to prevent myself from crying. Fuck this.
"I need you, Jella." My heart broke even more. Tears began to roll down the corners of my eyes. It hurts so freaking much. I feel numb the moment I heard that name. When he lifted my shirt and took it off completely, I knew I could do nothing but surrender myself to him. I. . . I lost the strength to stop him.
“God, Jella. You're so perfect. ” He latched my nipple and massaged the other one. My tears poured one after another. I never thought we would get to this point. If this is the only way to make him feel better, I'll do it in a heartbeat, even if it means losing myself in the process. I know I sound too stupid, but the things we do for love could really make us crazy.
"I love you, Jella." He keeps on moaning her name as he latches my nipple. I just closed my eyes tightly and let him do what he wanted to do to me. I burst out laughing bitterly in my mind. I love this motherfucker too damn much.
His fingers went inside my underwear and I gasped at the sudden surge of pleasure. I was slowly carried away by what he was doing to my body. I grabbed his shoulder as he gently parted the lip of my femininity and teased my sensitive part. My hips rose at what he did.
“Shit, Jem,” I cursed when he bit my left nipple gently and sucked it. He repeated what he did and I felt like I was going crazy. I looked up and my lips parted as he gently rolled his thumb across the sensitive part of my womanhood. He's rubbing my clitoris for fuck's sake!
My head sank deeper into the pillow and I no longer knew where to hold. A loud moan escaped from my lips as he inserted a finger into my womanhood. His kisses went down and I held my breath.
"Oh, Jeremy," I muttered as his kissed reached my stomach. Excitement rushed through my veins as I waited for his next move. Jeremy just groaned as a response before unbuttoning my jeans and taking it off with my underwear. I let out a loud gasp when he suddenly dove into my wet feminity.
"Fuck, Jem." My vision is clouding with desire and pleasure. He expertedly rolls his tongue back and forth my clitoris, making me moan in pleasure. His finger was still moving inside me and my hip rose.I could hear nothing but the sound of my heart thumping against my ribcage.
“You taste so good,” he murmured before lapping my wet feminity again. A tingling sensation formed at the base of my stomach because of what he did and my thighs stiffened. Shit, what is this? What are these things that Jeremy makes me feel?
“J-Jem, I’m gonna. . . fuck. ” He hardened his tongue and inserted it in my core. My eyes rolled back at what he had done. I could feel his warm tongue inside me.
My toes curled, my mind blew, and I exploded. I close my eyes as I catch my breath. What was that? Is that the thing they call ‘cum’? The thing that I always see on porn sites every time something comes out from the girl’s core? So this is how it feels, then?
Jeremy is still licking my wet feminity. My knees are numb but I could feel them shaking. I kept my eyes closed as he tapped my cheek. I opened my eyes. His cold brown orbs stared down at me.
"Suck me," he said firmly. His manly and deep voice sent chills down my spine. My brain didn't seem to process what he said. What? He wants me to suck him?
“You told me you love me. Suck me. ” He took of his jeans with his boxers and his manhood sprang. I gulped the moment I saw his length. For an 18-year-old guy, Jeremy is surely big.
I slowly touched him and I flinched when I felt it throb against my palms. Shit. Is this how it really feels? It's so big, so huge, so red.
I licked my lower lip and opened my mouth. Bending down, I slowly welcomed his manhood in my lips. I can taste his pre-cum.
“Shit, yes,” he groaned and held my ponytailed hair. He guided my head up and down and even thrusted his hips. My mouth feels so full and his dick reached the base of my mouth. Fuck. He's so goddamn big.
"Lick my shaft," he said firmly and I did. I swirled my tongue around his shaft and played with his balls. His thighs stiffened because of what I had done. I kissed the tip of his manhood and teased it, making Jeremy let out a gasp of pleasure. I smirked. I think I'm doing it right.
"You're so good," he stated breathlessly. I continued what I was doing. He suddenly thrusted fully inside my mouth which widened my eyes. I immediately pulled away and coughed. Fuck. Why did he entered it fully?
I still haven’t recovered when he grabbed the back of my head and inserted his manhood inside my mouth again. What the fuck? And maybe he felt I was having a hard time because he suddenly let his manhood out which made me breathe a sigh of relief. Damn, my cheeks are hurting so bad.
I was surprised when he came behind me. He pushed my back and my chest was pressed against the soft mattress. I felt him lift my hip and slowly entered my womanhood. I gasped in pain.
“Does it hurt?” he asked. I could hear concern in his voice. I nodded and burried my face on the pillow. Damn it.
He pushed another inch and I clenched my fists as I felt pain inside my feminity. Damn. Can he just enter me fully?
“J-Jem, just put it inside me and let me adjust afterwards. I don’t want to prolong the pain,” I muttered in a low voice. My feminity clenched and I heard Jeremy groan.
“Are you sure?” he gently asked. I just nodded and closed my eyes tightly. In one swift move, he managed to enter me whole and I gasp in pain as tears come our from my eyes. Fuck. Fuck. It freaking hurts!
Jeremy didn’t move. He let me adjust first as I’ve told him. He groaned and breath out a harsh sigh. “Shit, you feel so good, Jella. So good. ”
My breathing stopped when I heard him. I choke back my tears as pain started to spread, not in my feminity, but around my heart. I buried my face in my pillow and silently sobbed.
I am the one who’s with him, yet, he’s calling another name.
After 6 years
I SIGHED as that memory flooded my mind. That was the first time something happened to Jeremy and me and after we did it, he fell asleep. I dressed him up even though my core was hurting as hell. Later, in the morning, he thanked me and he still treated me like before. He didn’t remember the memories we shared in his bed which is a good thing. But it wasn't just the first time.
That went on and on until I could no longer count the times we did it and to this day, I know he still doesn’t have any idea about our sexual affairs. Good thing he has a lot of women but I know I’m the only woman he fucks. According to him, he’s always loyal to Diane and he can’t just do it with another woman.
I rolled my eyes at that thought. Loyal, my ass. But here he is, fucking me.
We were both 18 when we did it and now, we're 24. He's a doctor and I'm a veterinarian. We're both working here in one of the famous private hospitals in
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