Ashen Wings Of Ember

“Sienna.”

Whispers. All I heard were those melodic voices from someone calling me by my name. The air was foggy, with a mixture of smoke from the fire, circling me.

“You are all we need, Sienna.”

“Who’s there?”

 I screamed, hurting my lungs as I began to cough harder than usual. I knew this was a dream, but why did it feel so real?

“Sienna..”

“W-who’s there?”

“You’re all we need..”

****

“Aaaah!”

I wake up to my phone buzzing. The sun rays coming through the window were falling straight into my eyes, making it hurt already. I always told my mother not to mess with the curtains, but ugh, she has to do that every single day!

**Buzz Buzz**

My phone buzzed again. Sneering already, I picked it up to check who was ruining my morning. My eyes were still a bit heavy since I drank my sorrows yesterday night.

**Buzz Buzz**

"Ugh, I got it!" I grunted.

And once I estimated what the notifications were about, oh…the fire in me began to erupt.

****

“Sienna, please! You’re taking this all-“ 

“Wrong? Pathetically stupid? I’m sorry, Mom! But draining out my feelings to you and the next thing you find out is the ‘Worthless Daughter’s’ account being bombarded with a million dollars. I’m sorry, Mother, but this does not seem to me as support! It’s like you’re throwing money in my way just to pity me! It proves that you don’t have any faith, that I can do it on my own out there!” 

“But Sienna, this is not why we-“ 

“I don’t want to hear it, Mom!” I screamed at her. It was like a scene from a movie. With both of us walking down the stairs, stopping mid-way as I turn to face her and tell her off. 

Deep in my heart, I knew she meant well, but she passed that thin line when I told her my career wasn’t going anywhere. When I confided in her and told the truth that I was not getting any motivation to continue with my art career, or my fashion career, or whatever career I pointed my finger at. I thought maybe she would understand. Maybe she’ll talk me out of my fit of depression and finally be the supportive mother I’ve always longed for. But no. She had to transfer those funds, which I don’t need at all. 

And make me feel like a failure, that I am. 

“Whose idea was it?” I grunted, folding my arms and glaring at her. She was worried about me, I could tell that much. But worry wasn’t going to cover the line my parents crossed. 

Before she could answer, I heard footsteps coming from the hallway. It was my younger sister. 

“Is everything-“ 

“It’s fine, Sasha. Go back to your room,” I commanded her, speaking a bit more emphatically than I usually do. I knew this would hurt her. But she knows me more than I know myself. She’s tough, and she’ll understand the cause of my bitchy behaviour this morning. 

Without any further ado, she flees to her room. 

“Again, Mother,” I turn to my mom again, narrowing my eyes and waiting. 

“It was.. mine.” She stated, only to make me chuckle in disbelief. 

“Right after I told you that I wanted to do something that has value? Something that I made with my own hands, built it, and worked through it until it’s thriving? When did I ask for money, exactly?” 

“I just thought you’d appreciate it.” She whispered, bowing her head down. And this is the moment where I regret my short temper, and have the guilt of a lifetime. I shook my head, and without any further communication, I hugged her. 

“I know, Mom. I know what you do is always to help me out. I do know that.” 

She hugged me back. I do praise her. A lot. But again. She broke her trust in me, breaking mine in me. That is something really hard to recover from. 

“Look,” I break the embrace and gaze right into his eyes. 

“I don’t need your money, Mom. I want to build something with my hands and step on it with my own feet, knowing it’s fully mine, and I made it. I want to have the privilege of knowing that I really can make it on my own. You throwing cash in my face won’t help at all because this isn’t what I need! I need your support, emotional support. That’s it! If I needed your wealth, I would have asked for it when I was born.” 

She sighed. And that is where our quarrel ended.

****

Sure, I’m tough to live with. Everyone knows. My father knows. My sister knows, my neighbours, and even the birds that go through my house know. I have a short temper. I’m way too straightforward, almost blunt. And not to be messed with.

But hey, that’s just it. That’s me..

Sienna Drakara. 

****

“Knock knock,” 

Sasha looked at me, rolled her eyes, and dragged her focus back to her phone. 

“The door’s already open,” she stated rather sarcastically. 

“I know, I just said it because I’ve been standing here for the past 5 minutes and you’ve been avoiding me on purpose.” 

“I didn’t want to get in between your fight with Mom.” 

“It wasn’t a fight, Sasha.” I whimpered, walking towards her bed and sitting right beside her.

“It was just..”

“An exchange of words?” We say in unison as I smile at her. “See, just like I always tell you. You’re the only one who completes my sentences, and you’re the only one who understands me.” 

“Why wouldn’t I? What are young sisters for, anyway?”

“Touché,” I say, as we both begin to snicker. I wrap my arm around her as we stay silent for a while. This was us, keeping each other safe, appreciating one another’s existence truly.

“I take the art exhibition didn’t go as it was supposed to?” She questioned, making me exhale deeply and reliving the events from the previous night.

****

“This is...painful,”

“Is this what you call art?”

“Oh, come on! My toddler draws way better than-“

“Sienna?” Sasha calls out, as I snap out of my thoughts. Annoyance about my career going to hell filled my brain with toxicity and, yes, thoughts of being the ‘useless’ one devoured me already.

“Are you okay? You don’t seem fine,” she queried with a full level of concern on her face.

“I’m just...exhausted, Sasha. I mean..I’m f*ck*ng 24, with no job, no business. Everything I’ve tried has gone to sh*t before I even started it. I have no contacts, no friends that I can talk to-“

“Hey.”

“You’re my best friend, Sasha. Not a ‘friend’,” I tease her, earning a poker gaze from her. “Anyway, it’s just..It’s hard being me! And the worst part is. Yesterday, I had all the strength in me to do what it takes to be on top of the world! I had my savings. I used it all to make that one night special and-“

“It was fuc-“

“Hey,” I cut in between her, as we both smiled. “Yeah,” I nodded in exhaustion. “It was f*ck*d. And now I can’t even work my mind properly.”

“Maybe you could take some time off, Sienna,” Sasha suggested, turning to me with a bit of excitement on her face.

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe you can go on a solo trip. I mean, I’m no counsellor, but I do know that sometimes, to make something better, you have to clear your mind and relax a little.”

“Cliche.”

“Just hear me out. You know, whenever I’m having my midterms, you’re always scolding me for not at all learning and then also letting me know, if your mind’s filled with b*llsh*t, all you need to do is clear it.”

“And you clear it by doing the things you love, yeah.”

“See, exactly! And in your case, you can go on a solo trip to nowhere. I know you have an obsession with travelling solo. You’ve always asked for it but Mom and Dad never let you. I guess this might be your chance.”

“You can maybe confront them and say this is me getting back at you for giving me all that cash which surely should be in Sasha’s account so I’m leaving.”

I smirk at her, but I like where this genius is going with this.

“This can help you maybe get inspired. You can challenge yourself, which I think is all you need to do.”

“You know, for a 15-year-old, you’re smart.”

“Again, what are younger sisters for?”

Laughing, and pulling her in for a warm embrace again, she continues scrolling through her phone as I get lost in my thoughts.

Maybe..just maybe. A trip would be nice. Would it?

After my conversation with Sasha, I went straight to my room and paced in the bathroom. Removing my clothes, and staring at my reflection in the mirror. God, I felt hindered. Despite doing everything according to the books, trying to be better and scrutinizing myself just to make a name.. It wasn’t easy.

I know it’s never easy. But... this should have been the last time I felt this way.

The exhibition went to hell. Only four people came, not to support me, but to mock me because of my style. Every artist is different. Every person is different, everyone knows that. But maybe..just maybe..

I’m way too different that I don’t even fit into this world.

Scoffing, I turned the knob and stood right below the shower. The warm water made my nerves a bit relaxed as I began cleaning myself with the loofah. Once I shut my eyes... visions of the dream I had this morning rushed through.

That voice, the surroundings. It felt so real. I don’t know who k