My Dominat Pilot

As a child, I discovered that I was afraid of heights. It was a fear, a sensation, that started in the feet and went up through the legs, settling in the abdomen before finishing spreading through the body.

The first time I needed it and I discovered that height could be a problem in the future, it was on a summer day, on a board above a pool with other children.

My whole body was cold and my hands were sweating strangely. On the edge of the pool, there were my mothers, under an umbrella, motivating me to jump.

"Just jump "said my first mother.

"Don't be afraid," said the other mother.

There was a small line of children behind me, muttering, practically ordering me to jump. And I jumped.

An improvised jump, but perfect in the eyes of one of my mothers.

"Mom, I jumped! "I say smiling, as I return to the surface.

"I saw! And your jump was...wonderful!

My other mother approaches with a smothered smile.

"It wasn't like that either.

"You say that because you don't understand "She crouches down in front of me "You were great and you can be even better if you make an effort "I hold her gaze without understanding her words well "Okay? "I nod, not knowing I was signing my sentence.

Raising my arms above my head, I take a deep breath and throw myself into the void ahead, managing to spin my body in midair before hitting the water and being enveloped by the water.

"You call that a jump? "Coach Robert asks, when I get out of the pool "You can do better, Robbie, you know you can "I stand in front of her, with my body dripping "Have you gained weight? "I frown looking at my body in a black bathing suit.

"There is. No.

"No use lying, Robbie. You can see the localized fats. The famous love handles "She looks around us, returning to look at me after concluding that no one was paying attention to the conversation "You know very well that this is not the right physique for people like... you.

From the age of 7 to my current age, I practically grew up listening to that backstage warning. Technically my body couldn't develop, there was a percentage my body mass had to fall below.

-You already know what you have to do "she says before going to a group that approached.

Unfortunately I knew what I needed to do, despite feeling like I was on autopilot, it was what needed to be done if I wanted to continue competing.

The following jumps were filled with instructions, followed by gestures and long whistles. Just like my mother Leah, Coach Robert, wanted me to be as close to perfection as possible.

Every minute, every second mattered, as the competition could completely change my life, my future.

So it was more than my duty, to excel, to remain the standout and star of Marin County.

Training continued for another two and a half hours, until the coach ended the day with a series of recommendations that had to be strictly adhered to during those three days.

"Hey! "says Leah, when I approach the car, opening the passenger door "How was today?

"Same thing as always. Coach picking on me "I answer what I always used to answer.

She sighs, starting the car.

-She does it for your own good-And she always got the same answer-Just like me, she just wants you to get what you want so much.

Jumping off a board, meters above a pool, was never in my plans, at least that's as far as I remember.

Being in the water was never among my options for what I wanted to be when I grew up.

Leah, like Coach Robert, was a coach. Coach of the women's volleyball team.

It was at the school that he met my mother, who at the time was the principal, had just been transferred there. Initially, she saw her as an Asian teacher who took her culture and religion seriously. At least for me, I never imagined that one day I would have her as part of my family.

Something began to blossom between Leah and Maggie and, I was the last to realize it, since as a child, I lived in my own world, believing that my father, whom I had never known, would arrive at any moment from the army.

He never arrived. But I got another mother.

On the one hand, for me, it was easy to understand that I would have one more mother and strange to explain to other children why I had two mothers.

At first, there was some bullying, on top of that. Jokes that a child did not understand gravity.

Until a certain moment came, when being the daughter of the director and the coach was no longer enough and that anything that could make me stand out would be valid.

So even with silly childhood dreams, I left everything aside to do what would make me stand out. Whatever it was.

I liked to think that we lived on the beach, on the part we did, even though we didn't have the sea as a backyard, but because we grew up on a beach not far from home.

That's where Maggie taught me how to make sand castles and shell necklaces. always saying what we were made of sand and salt. Unlike Leah, Maggie was an almost faithful example of a hippie. Her teachings have always been based on love and the nature around us.

Coming home was supposed to feel like being on neutral ground. But that wasn't quite the feeling she had when she got back home. She felt that all the expectations in the world were on me and any slip could ruin everything. At least, everything she had built.

After leaving the keys on the sideboard, Leah goes to the kitchen, stopping there for a few seconds, looking carefully at the empty room.

"How about pizza today? she asks, turning to me as I go up the stairs.

"Today is Wednesday and it's taco day "I remember.

-And they should be almost ready by now-she murmurs, returning her eyes to the counter.

The fact that dinner wasn't ready and Maggie wasn't around wasn't an abnormal fact for me. After my mother practically resigned a few weeks ago, claiming she was against some student rules, she began to focus on what she believed was important at the moment: joining Greenpeace.

In the eyes of anyone who didn't know Maggie, she would believe that it was crazy, and that ten non-governmental organizations was enough. But I, who grew up listening to talk about how important nature was and how we should be grateful to her, knew that I was just chasing her dreams.

And he didn't judge her for it. At least she wasn't wasting her time on something she felt wouldn't get very far.

"I'm sure she'll be back with the food by now," I say, heading back up the stairs, leaving Leah standing in the same spot.

Opening my bedroom door, I exhale as I inhale my own perfume and waste a few seconds looking at the posters stuck on the wall.

The decoration was as random as possible, with colors everywhere, but mainly with lights that resembled Christmas tree twinkles.

He liked their glow, felt like every day was his favorite day of the year.

I approach the red cage by the window, smiling at the black ferret with shades of white smeared across its body.

"Hey, little buddy," I murmur, sticking my index finger between the small bars. Abu had been rescued by Maggie and later adopted, leaving me with the responsibility of taking care of him.

Leaving my backpack aside, I stop in front of the mirror almost automatically, analyzing the reflected image.

If you asked me what I saw, I would answer without hesitation that a 22-year-old black woman with an average body. On the other hand, a black woman, who still needed to look for her space in society and who should be chasing her dreams.

I run my hands over my body, mostly over my abdomen, realizing only then that Coach Robert must be right. So to take the nine test at once, I go to the digital scale in the bathroom and end up noticing that I had gained four kilos.

My eyes wander into the void as I remember exactly that in the last few weeks, I had simply stopped policing myself. I ate everything I saw ahead, without even caring about the amount that was being ingested.

I easily attributed this to anxiety. She forced me to eat uncontrollably, as if there was no tomorrow and then awakened various feelings in my body.

Sweat gathered on my forehead and trickled down my face as I kept up the running pace.

My body was already showing signs of fatigue and every step I took was torture and I felt like my legs would let me down at any moment.

I continue like this for a few seconds, until I stop and lean on my knees, out of breath. My stomach growls, but I ignore it, remembering my goal.

I was considering the idea of going home when a group of four men come towards me, talking loudly and drinking.

Turning on my heels, I start walking back toward the house. I could say that I knew them very well, since we studied at the same school.

"Hey!! "One of them calls, but I don't stop walking. It was useless, as I felt them around me a few seconds later "Won't you talk to us? "One of them asks, which makes me lift my head and look at the dimly lit face.

"I'm in a hurry.

"To go to dinner with your mothers? "Another asks with irony.

The third man leans over me, draping his arm over my shoulders.

"I'm curious "he says, containing a smile "Have you heard the director and the coach...?

I look at him indignantly, my jaw tightening.

Despite always hearing that kind of question, I never got used to it. Always dirty s*x jokes.

"Must be the biggest boner "says another.

"I wouldn't think it was bad if my mother f*ck*d another woman "says the man on the other side.

One of them passes in front of me, standing in front of me. Even in the dim lighting, he knew there was a smirk on her face.

"Do you hesitate when you listen to them?

Sweat gathered on my forehead and trickled down my face as I kept up the running pace.

My body was already showing signs of fatigue and every step I took was torture and I felt like my legs would let me down at any moment.

I continue like this for a few seconds, until I stop and lean on my knees, out of breath. My stomach growls, but I ignore it, remembering my goal.

I was considering the idea of going home when a group of four men come towards me, talking loudly and drinking.

Turning on my heels, I start walking back toward the house. I could say that I knew them very well, since we studied at the same school.

"Hey!! "One of them calls, but I don't stop walking. It was useless, as I felt them around me a few seconds later "Won't you talk to us? "One of them asks, which makes me lift my head and look at the dimly lit face.

"I'm in a hurry.

"To go to dinner with your mothers? "Another asks wit