The Love I Hate

Birds sang their morning songs on the branches of the trees behind my room. I heard them chirping—tiny, lovely sounds, like little secrets I wished I could understand. Almost every morning, a particular small bird with beautiful colors visited my window. It had a white head, yellow and black feathers, and it would tap the glass with its beak until someone finally opened the window.

When I stretched my hand out, it hopped into my palm, warm and soft, brushing its feathers against my skin. Then suddenly, it flew away again. I loved watching it soar, over and over. Sometimes I wished I could be as beautiful and free as that bird—maybe then people would treat me better.

It was a Monday morning. School was on break, so I was at home with my family. Well… I’m always at home with them, but honestly, I’d rather be in school than spend too much time here.

Don’t get me wrong—I love my family. It’s just that being around them can be… a lot.

My name is Anita. Anita Haliday. I come from a family of five.

My dad is an editor. My mom manages a restaurant downtown. My older brother, Michael, does absolutely nothing except sneak his girlfriend into the house when our parents aren’t around. Then there’s my twin sister, Alicia—the “Sassy Princess.” We used to look alike until she dyed her hair blonde and started eating more so she could get the “butt and burst” guys like.

And then there’s me.

Just here. Doing nothing. No boyfriend, nothing special. My best friend, Ella, is practically worse than me. She’s smart—brilliant actually—but people still call us nerds. Sometimes they don’t even let us talk to other people in school because they feel we don’t matter.

“How painful,” I sighed.

We all attended the same school—me, my twin sister, and my best friend, Greta. After high school, we went to Centro Escolar University in Manila. It’s not far from where we stay in Valenzuela. Sometimes we take the bus, but most times, our parents drop us off. They can be embarrassingly loud.

There were a lot of cute guys in the school, and I had a crush on about ten of them.

Mario, for example—my childhood crush. We grew up together in America, and somehow, we ended up in the same school in the Philippines. He smells nice; I can always tell when he’s close because of the scent on his shirt. But he has a girlfriend—the most annoying girl on campus and, unfortunately, my sister’s best friend. I want to puke just thinking about it.

Then there’s Gabriel—Gabe. Extremely handsome. Probably in the top five most handsome guys in the entire school. Curly hair, broad shoulders, catlike eyes, strong hands that look like they could hold someone tightly in bed.

I have never spoken to him before, and I don’t plan to. Too many girls follow him around, and they would laugh at me until I consider committing suicide if I ever tried talking to him.

In my school, if you’re not among the popular kids, you’re better off staying invisible. I still don’t know how my sister became popular—her entire lifestyle is fake. Completely fake.

And then… there’s Christian.

Oh God, hold on, let me breathe for a minute.

He’s a third-year student, Unlike me, and the most handsome guy in all of Centro Escolar University. Girls flock around him like sheep without a shepherd. He’s light skin, American, has blue eyes, braided hair, muscles, broad shoulders—everything girls want.

He has only spoken to me once and winked at me once in the hallway. I was shocked. Honestly, that wink might have been the exact moment I started falling for him. I think about him all night. Maybe I should write to him and tell him how I feel, since he doesn’t have a girlfriend… and I don’t have a boyfriend either.

It’s tiring being almost nineteen and still a virgin.

Did I mention Alicia has a boyfriend? Even my parents know him. But somehow, they don’t allow me to have male friends. They call boys “a distraction.”

We’re just random American citizens living at the far end of a town in the Philippines. My mom is Filipino, but for some reason she wants us to sound more American.

Lucky for me, many of my friends also have parents who moved here. But still, I get bored sometimes.

Growing up, I had a lot of ups and downs. I still do. My trust issues are at zero percent, but I’m working on it. I barely trust anyone except myself. Sometimes I feel like I need therapy. Sounds funny, but it’s true—I might go crazy if I don’t get help soon. A lot is happening, and I need to keep my head together. Plus, I’m scared of so many things.

Growing up, I always wanted to make my parents proud. I wanted to be the best child, always scared of failure, always scared of losing. I never give up on my dreams. But something tells me this year will be different—either good or bad—and I’m ready to accept whatever comes.

Sometimes I wish I was the only girl in the family. I wish I didn’t have a sister—especially not a twin. Alicia makes my life miserable most times.

And little by little, even Ella, who I thought was my best friend, made my life worse.

How can someone make you trust them, make you comfortable around them, and still hate you enough to betray you?

My dad always says, “No matter what you do, try to be a good example for others to learn from. Your life should be a story for future generations, so they don’t repeat your mistakes.”

“Daddy, what is your story?” I used to ask when I was younger. He never answered. He would just laugh, pat my head, and walk away.

Now we’re all grown. We’re supposed to know right from wrong. I don’t know about Alicia, but I choose to be a good example, just like my dad said.

During the school break, our last results came out, and I had managed to get straight “A’s.” Alicia, on the other hand, had all “C’s” and “D’s.” My parents, especially Dad, were very upset with her. But she didn’t feel bad for herself. Instead, she retreated to her room to do what she knows best: “FASHION,” even though she wasn’t really skilled at it yet. I happen to be a fashion enthusiast, though it doesn’t always show in my appearance, but I sometimes make a little money from it. I help people make clothes or sketch designs, though I rarely get time to dress up like a true fashionista. I would have taught Alicia, but we are sworn enemies. We avoid each other entirely. I even requested a separate room in the basement just to completely avoid contact with her.

My parents bought me a scooter to congratulate me for my good results. At first, it was a little embarrassing because most of my friends drive cars to school, and I didn’t want to look unserious about my life.