His Marshmallow

“You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.-” Louise Hay.

Maisie

MY ALARM WENT off and my eyes slowly opened. I stayed as I was for a while, just staring at the ceiling and letting the alarm continue to ring. I probably looked like someone totally at peace on the outside but I was totally freaking out on the inside. School was starting today. A heavy sigh escaped my lips as I reached over to turn off my alarm. I sat up and stared at the date displayed on my phone to confirm. It was indeed today –the beginning of my senior year. I just had to endure and survive one more year then I could say bye to that hell hole. I consoled myself with that. With that thought in mind, I got out of bed and decided to get ready for school.

I’d never liked going to school. I don’t think I’d ever enjoyed a day in school. I couldn’t mention a moment that I had a nice day in school ever since I started high school. Even when I had a friend in freshman year, I didn’t enjoy going to school but yes, having a friend made it more bearable. Too bad she was a b*tch.

I know you’re probably wondering why I hated school so much. It was because I was a victim of bullying. People get bullied because of different reasons or in most cases, no reason at all. But I got bullied because of something I barely had control over. I got bullied because of my size, my body type. Yeah, I’m one of those girls referred to as “big” or “fat."

Do you know what it feels like to be constantly reminded of something you hate the most about yourself? Like someone constantly pointing out your insecurities? That’s how I felt every time I went to school. They’d make fat jokes, tease me, play pranks on me and call me different types of degrading names; and generally just do anything that’d make me feel bad about myself.

The past three months had been blissful because I didn’t have to go to school but it was finally over and I had to go to school for the next few months. I could already imagine all the things I’d have to endure but I’d decided to not be pessimistic. I was actually hopeful.

As someone who read a lot and watched movies and TV series, I’d seen a lot of stories where something life changing happens in the main character’s life. You know, like falling in love, getting into your dream college and so on. I was also hoping that senior year would be my lucky year. My last and best year. I wasn’t asking for much really. Just for senior year to be okay. Just okay, nothing more. It would have been ironic for someone like me to wish for a fairytale – getting a boyfriend, having my first kiss and all that. I mean, who would want to date someone like me? Even if I initially believed that someone would, all the things I’d heard people say over the years would have changed my mind.

If it was possible, all I wanted was to be invisible this year. I just wanted to be someone that nobody gives a f*ck about. I believed that was the best thing that could happen to me.

I stood before my mirror after getting ready for school. I stared at my reflection. The reflection I badly wished wasn’t mine. I was wearing loose jeans and a flannel shirt. I always tried to show as little skin as possible so you can imagine the type of clothes I had in my closet. I didn’t wear skirts because I thought girls like me wouldn’t rock them. Neither did I wear shorts.

I hated that I had stretch marks. I hated how big my thighs were. I hated the love handles and cellulites that came with being a fat girl. I hated that I was the biggest girl in my grade. I hated the fact that I had to shop for my clothes in a different section in the store.

I hated that I didn’t come to the world in a better and more presentable body. A body that people wouldn’t judge and make fun of; a body more acceptable by social standards. I didn’t like the life I was given. I could go on and on about the things I hated about myself and my life in general.

But what I hated the most though, was that people bullied me for something I barely had control over. I’ve been chubby for as long as I could remember, even as a baby. But I wasn’t really bothered about it until high school when people never missed an opportunity to point it out and pick on me because of it.

I wished people knew that not every fat person can control their weight. In fact, a lot of us can’t. Not every fat person gets fat because of what they eat. It’s mostly genetics for others. You could say we inherited the ‘fatness.’ And in this case, it’s mostly unavoidable. Just like me. Apparently, I got it from my maternal grandmother. I've been told a lot of times that I look a lot like her when she was my age. I couldn’t have gotten her beautiful hazel eyes instead.

Whenever I complained or whined about being fat, my mum told me to be proud of my body type. She told me to ignore those that call me names and stand up to people that try to belittle me. She always told me to be confident. I wished it was that easy.

“And you’re not fat, you’re body positive,” she always said. I wanted to believe her, trust me I really wanted to but I just couldn’t . I believed there was absolutely nothing positive about the body I wished so badly wasn’t mine.

I picked up my backpack after getting ready and headed for the kitchen. I met my mum all dressed for work with breakfast ready. She hugged me briefly as I greeted her.

“Excited for your first day as a senior?” She asked as she passed me my breakfast plate of bacon and eggs.

“Oh, yeah. I’m thrilled.” I answered sarcastically and she caught on. She chuckled as she joined me at the kitchen table.

“OJ?”

She nodded and I got us glasses and filled it with orange juice.

“Anything to look forward to?”

“Graduation.” I shrugged.

My mum rolled her eyes. “I meant now that you’re resuming not months away.”

“I don’t know.”

“What about new students?”

“I don’t think so. It’s kinda rare for new students to join the senior class.”

“But still, it’s possible.”

“Yeah.”

After breakfast, my mum drove me to school as she usually did.

“Bye honey. Have a great first day,” she said as I got out of the car. I forced a smile and waved at her as I watched her drive away. When she was out of sight, I turned towards the school doors and stared. I took a deep breath, held it for a few seconds before letting it out and heading for the school doors like other students. Walking through the hallways brought back some bad memories but I tried to send them to the back of my mind.

Even as I walked with my eyes trained on the ground, I could still feel the stares. I felt like people always judged me with their eyes wherever I went. No matter how hard I tried to ignore it, I couldn’t. Like right now.

I heard the Principal’s voice welcoming everyone back through the speakers. The school was bustling. People were hugging each other, telling each other how their summer went; excitement was everywhere.

I stopped at my locker and entered the combination to it. Just as I opened it, someone crashed into me, causing me to hit my head on my locker.

“Oh no, Piggy, I almost didn’t see you there,” someone said. I didn’t even need to look to know who it was. I knew that my whole day was about to be ruined so I kissed it goodbye. I rubbed the throbbing spot on my forehead from the impact before turning to face the owner of the voice.

My number one anti-fan, Brittany, was sporting a smirk on her face as she stared at me. I had really wished that somehow they’d have been too busy gushing about their summer to remember me but I had no such luck. Her minions stood on each side like loyal dogs.

“Didn’t think I’d see your face this year.” Brittany spoke again. “I was hoping you’d have moved your fat *ss out of town or at least changed schools.”

“Sorry to disappoint you.” I mumbled, more to myself than anything.

“What did you just say?” Bianca asked, narrowing her eyes at me.

“Nothing,” I spoke louder. “I didn’t say anything.” I felt pathetic. Why couldn’t I just stand up to them?

“I thought as much.” Bianca said.

When Bianca started in our school, her name was Veronica but she decided to change her name in order to fit in. And no, Bianca wasn’t her third name either. In order to be part of the ‘Queen Bs,’ she needed to have a name that starts with the honourable letter B. And she agreed.

I personally think that that’s pretty messed up. At least her real name and fake name had something in common – they both ended with letters c and a. Sometimes I wondered if her parents knew about it.

Brittany sighed, as if in relief. She looked up for a few seconds before looking at me again. She had this dreamy look on her face. “My summer was awesome. How was yours, Fatsie? Boring, right?”

Fatsie was one of the names I was called but it was more original than the others. They replaced the ‘Mai’ in my name with ‘Fat.’

I didn’t even get to answer the question myself because Betty did. “Definitely. She probably just spent it indoors stuffing her face with junk.”

“You’re right. She looks even bigger than before summer,” Bianca agreed, staring at me with disgust.

They were wrong. I wasn’t any bigger than I was before summer. I knew this because my weight was something I frequently checked. They were just trying to make me feel even worse about myself. That was one of the things they were good at. In fact, they were professionals. I ignored them most of the time but sometimes it was hard to.

Yes, it was true that I spent most of my time indoors during the summer but I avoided junk food like I’d die just from having a bite. When they were busy sunbathing and partying during the break, I was busy avoiding junks and reading books.

Before any of them could open their mouths to utter more degrading words, Bianca let out a really dramatic gasp that caught our attention. Her eyes were as wide as saucers as she stared in a particular direction. The others followed her gaze and ended up with similar expressions on their faces. I really didn’t want to look—I really didn’t, but curiosity got the best of me.

And I understood why they had those expressions on their faces. I stared at the beautifully and wonderfully sculpted creature that almost everyone had their eyes on. He was gorgeously hot that even I couldn’t deny it. Anyone who wasn’t blind could see it. For a moment, it seemed as if everything was playing out in slow motion like in a movie. And the funny part is that he didn’t seem to notice all the attention directed at him. It was only after a few seconds that I noticed the equally radiant girl walking beside him. They had slightly similar features so it didn’t take rocket science to figure out that they’re related by blood.

“Who’s she?” Brittany asked with a scowl.

I had forgotten for a second that they were still standing here. It was no surprise that she asked that. Of course she’d be interested in who she was, since she was walking beside who would probably be her next target. And with how beautiful the new girl was, she probably saw her as a threat or competition. It was as if I could hear the wheels in her head turning already.

“Maybe his girlfriend?” Betty replied to her with a guess. Couldn’t they see what I was seeing?

“No, they look a little alike. She’s probably his sister or something,” Bianca told them.

This all meant one thing.

Drama.

They walked out of sight but people kept talking about them. Most girls would start fantasising about dating him or even start planning their potential wedding in their heads, but I wasn’t like that. The hotter a guy was, the more I could never imagine myself with him. What is the point of giving myself false hope by fantasising?

I shook my head slightly and turned back to my locker. I quickly got everything I needed and walked away without any of the Bs noticing. They were too engrossed in their animated discussion about the new kids.

This left me hoping that maybe, just maybe, they’d be too busy with him that they’d forget about me.

“You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won’t discover that until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself.” – Geneen Roth.

BEFORE I KNEW IT, it was Friday. And I was happy because it was one of the most peaceful weeks of my school life. Nothing out of the ordinary happened but somehow, the Bs left me alone. And for me that was a really big deal. Apart from the usual silly pranks like making me trip or knocking my things out of my hands, no other incident happened. It was as if I was somehow partly invisible.

Maybe wishes do come true.

And it was all thanks to the new kids. Most people were too busy with them – either trying to be their friends or trying to date them. I was in neither category but I was so grateful that they took all the spotlight. I was grateful that they were keeping the queen Bees so busy that they didn’t have time to torture me.

I’d already heard s