Broken Against Hope: Hidden Luna

I close my eyes in exhaustion. The ground is cold under me and I dig my fingers into the soft soil beside me. I let it run through my fingers, allowing it to soothe my senses. It's one of the only ways I'm able to comfort myself.

I can't take any more tonight. I need space to recover from the mental gymnastics Russ is putting me through.

I know I'm not crazy but what can I do when everyone around me thinks he's perfect? I've taken to putting my head down and not saying a whole lot.

I used to defend myself but I'd become too weak to keep up the fight. I stopped caring and just took it. I've been ostracized. I'm alone in every struggle but I can't leave unless I want to be labeled a rogue. To be hunted down as one is a fate worse than death.

It's customary to hunt rogues and toy with them until they long for death. I've heard cases of rogues being hunted for close to a year, causing them to lose their minds and fully give in to their animal nature. This made killing them more justifiable.

Everything is blamed on rogues. Any death or injury of a pack member. Any sickness. Any sabotage perpetrated by another pack. Even bad luck. Anything that could be used as an excuse to hunt them.

It doesn't help that my wolf is weak. I'm barely able to shift on the full moon, much less on command.

I pick up a handful of soil and sift it between my fingers. I sigh. I thought Russ was my dream guy. Not only was he my mate, he was sweet and kind and considerate. I had nothing but hearts in my eyes when I had married him. I thought he was going to be the one to rescue me from my situation.

On our wedding night, he had wordlessly taken my virginity and then gone to sleep right after, leaving me there in the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. It felt like someone was trying to rip out my insides and he hadn't given me a single loving word or action. He had f*ck*d me through my tears and cries.

I had laid there beside him, bewildered, shocked and in tears. He had shifted to the other side of the bed and his breathing soon slowed. The fact that his back was to me was an omen for what was to come.

I had managed to slowly pad my way to the bathroom and gingerly stepped into the shower. I don't remember how long I was under the cascade of water but I know the water was cold by the time the blood was washed away.

My heart had been shattered, knowing this was not the escape I had hoped for. My wolf had cried within me, wordless and nameless. Just an agonized howl that I swallowed down.

The next few months were the same. He would be loving to me and my heart would melt. But I quickly learned he was only loving as long as he got what he wanted. He took to name calling and demeaning me if I didn't do exactly what he wanted.

I tried to tell pack leadership about his manipulative tactics but it was immediately swept under the rug. Russ's family was extremely powerful and their wealth helped run the pack smoothly. There was no way I was going to tell anyone else if leadership didn't listen to me.

Every time I tried to talk to Russ about it, he would have me questioning myself. "What are you talking about?...I didn't say that .. you must have misunderstood."

I soon learned that his behavior was exactly as I saw it but he continued to play with my mind. I had to play happy family in order to keep him happy so I kept my mouth shut and my head down. I would smile robotically and go through the motions, playing the role of the perfect mate and wife.

Nearly every night it was the same. He wanted s*x and I had to give it, no matter what. He would throw a tantrum if I gave the slightest inkling of not wanting to be intimate and he would guilt trip me and manipulate me until I gave in. I would lay there and take it but there were times that wasn't enough for him.

Even when I would try to make love to him because he was being gentle or caring, he would say things to let me know I was lacking. The cruelest words would fly from his lips; bullets aimed for my heart.

There were times he couldn't keep an erection and it put an even greater strain on our already breaking relationship. He would blame me. He would be angry and practically roar in my face during s*x, taking me roughly and making accusations all the while. I didn't know what I had done but obviously I was at fault for whatever imaginary offense had been perpetrated.

I learned to fake it. I had to or I wouldn't survive. It wasn't long before I learned exactly what he wanted me to do but I didn't do it out of love.

I did it purely out of fear.

He terrified me. I was afraid of dying but I was more afraid of being exiled from the pack. He held that over my head as a constant threat. He used it to manipulate me more and more.

Over the years we were asked constantly why I hadn't given him a child. He always answered with a laugh and a joke at my expense.

What they don't know is that I had managed to get my hands on some contraceptives. My only friend works at the pack OBGYN clinic and would sneak them to me every few months.

There was no way I was going to birth another monster and be tied to this man for life. I still had the faint hope of escaping and escape would be impossible if I had a child. It would cement our bond and I knew he would constantly hold that child over my head as a threat.

I couldn't do that. I couldn't, WOULDN'T abandon my child. And having a little one would slow me down if I ever had the opportunity to escape safely.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Trapped and drowning.

I am pulled from my reverie by the sound of the back door slamming. I freeze, my heart pounding. I've been out for too long. The excuse I had used to go outside was to pick herbs from our garden for dinner. I look at the sun and realize it must have been past 5:30. He likes to eat dinner right at 6:00.

I swallow the lump in my throat, hurriedly grabbing the basket of herbs on the ground at my side and sneaking out of the shed door. I manage to get to the garden and pretend to look for other herbs just as Russ comes around the corner of the shed.

I pretend to not notice him until he's right behind me. "Oh, hey honey," I turn to smile at him. He looks over me, obviously annoyed.

"You've been out here for a while," he squints at me, his voice suspicious. I let out a quiet laugh.

"Oh, I saw a bunny and I kept trying to catch up to it. It was adorable! I really wish you had seen it." I give him what I hope is an adoring smile.

I see him relax and he chuckles