The Devil You Know

I can hear my own heart beating. My mouth feels like a dessert and my scalp feels like a home to thousands of lice! I feel like I am in an oven. Did someone turn on a heater? My hospital gown is dripping in sweat and it is getting more bloody by the minute. I feel like giving up, I swear I felt my hip dislocate five minutes ago. I heard it. Or was that my back? I can't do this. I didn't sign up for this. I want another epidural. Yessss!...

"Another shot please!" I yell at the nurse who is reaching down between my legs for the hundredth time.

Aargh! I am ignored. Or maybe they didn't hear me.

"Epidural! Now! Pleaasee!" My scream cracks into cries.

I shut up and begin to panick as I start to feel another contraction crawling up around my waist. I am going to vomit. No, I'm going to poop hot chilly!

"Mama!!!" I scream, calling for her by my side.

I reach out for her hand for support. I can hear the other girl in the delivery room next door screaming that she can feel the head. My heart is thumping so loud, the beeping on the machine next to me is growing faster. One of the nurses is frowning at me.

"You have to push harder when the next contraction settles in, his head should show any time now." I hear the short midwife say while she tugs at my shiny and striped baby bump.

Unlike the first nurse, whose fat hand has camped base in my vagina, she is gentle with my belly. If only she could just magically take him out. I have been pushing for what feels like an eternity.

I have been in these hospital premises for about twenty-four hours now. Imagine... Mother has been saying pro-longed labour is actually a thing for first time boy-mamas but I don't believe it. I've read plenty of easy labour and births testimonies from first-time moms in those Facebook groups, this is not a thing. Why not me? I want to cry at this point. I think I just said I don't want a baby anymore.

I am taking deep breathes through my mouth and nose. In and Out, In and Out, every thirty seconds as I am told. I feel like I am learning how to breathe. I am failing to grasp enough air. The bright light above me is making matters worse. I can smell my sweat, there's a lot of commotion in the room, it's making me dizzy. So many people are talking to me, they are making me angry for just speaking. I am screaming as the contraction begins to make it's way to my heart and *ss.

"You have to stop being so loud. it wont help matters here. Channel that loudness to your vagina!" Commands the first nurse.

She must have issues at home because she hasn't really been nice. If she dare reach down with her fat fingers one more time, I'll lose it!

My body trembles, I can hear myself roar as I push my baby out. My inner thighs and waist are on fire. Tears stream down my face as my skin tears and stretches within me. My legs are shaking, grounded by the ankles to the corners bed with belts. If someone dares to touch me again, I'll slap them I swear!

I push through the contraction and feel him descend just a little despite giving it my all. As I attempt to push again, calling my baby forth while at it, I feel a gush of something warm down my legs. Instantly I am shocked. I thought my water broke already? Does it break twice? I look at my mother, she immediately looks at the mean nurse who is now stashing towels between my legs. Another nurse just sprinted out of the room. The nice nurse is still talking to me. Something is wrong. i can feel it.

"Nurse! What's going on!" Mother asks! She is panicking.

"Ma'am I am going to ask you to leave," the nurse responds sternly to my mother.

I try to look down between my legs to see what's going on but It starts to get black in the room. I can't see. It's quickly getting cold. Mama...

...

..

..

My throat feels so dry. My feet are numb. I am still in a hospital gown. I can feel a thick material between my legs. I try to feel my fingers. They move. Instinctively I reach for my belly. It isn't there! Nor is my underwear still Alarmed, I open my eyes, where's my baby? What happened? I start freaking out. I look to my side to see my mother fast asleep. There's a plastic little bed right next to her, a little human is sleeping in it. A little transparent tube is hanging down the bed from a little machine with a blue light.

I attempt to sit up but quickly stop due to a sharp pain, my free hand feels the loose iodine soaked bandage on my freshly closed-up c-section wound. Mom instantly wakes up when she hears me wince.

"Oh my dear, you're awake. Praise be." She says. She gets up and comes to me.

"Ssh, ssh, stay like that my dear, you are not well." She says in a voice that makes me feel eight years old again.

"You have a baby boy darling. You have a beautiful baby boy. Just rest now. Rest darling."

Mom rubs my forehead while she speaks. She looks very tired. What time is it? What happened back in the delivery room? Did I just pass out? So I have a c-section wound now. How does it look? Will the scar be pretty? Was that blood I felt? How long have I been out? Has someone called Tony? We have a baby now.

I try to speak but my voice is weak so I smile and go back to sleep.

It's been a month since Dante was born, day one without mother. She walked through the front door approximately twenty seven minutes ago, but I am still standing in the door way, door ajar behind me. I look around the living room, it's tidy. Mama made sure she left me a clean home. She made breakfast too, bathed Dante, and put him back to sleep in his bassinet. Only she can do that. Dante never falls asleep in his bassinet from my arms. The second I put him down his eyes open up wide. I did try to convince mother to stay though, just some 3 months longer but she gave me the glare.

"I have a life you know, I miss your father and my old routine." she said.

I couldn't argue, no, not after the glare, but I did consider following her. I'm honestly not sure I can do this by myself. I've been standing in the door way trying to convince myself that I got this, this is what i have been fantasizing about since the day i found out I was pregnant