INERT [I choose to stay a little longer]

Leaving this world is not something one should be afraid of. There is always light at the end of the dark tunnel. The hope that seems lost today is a brighter future somewhere else tomorrow.
I usually give meaning to different colors. To me, every color have a unique meaning to it. The color ‘Red’ signifies ‘Love’ and at the same time it signifies ‘Danger’. Love especially is an unexpected feeling that trips into the heart at its own will. The color ‘White’ signifies ‘Peace’. Peace resides in every human but it’s rivaled by ‘Doubt’ and ‘Stress’. While the color ‘Blue’ which is my favorite color signifies ‘Happiness’ and finally ‘Black’ which signifies ‘Death’.

The routine early morning smell in the hospital had faded, I could no longer smell anything, everywhere had suddenly become silent, darkness had began to surround me and my entire body had become numb, I couldn’t feel anything, not even pain. That is when I knew my life on earth was about to come to an end. The Black color had come calling. Death had come to take me away and I had no choice but to prepare to give in. I didn’t want to go, I didn’t want to leave this world but my body wanted to. This world is just a phase, humans are just passers by who came to visit by birth and leave with a transport of inevitable death. There is no physician or magician capable of saving my life now.

My body laid down on the hospital bed, not completely lifeless, I was still alive but barely. I couldn’t see clearly or feel but I knew my mother and father, my best friend and boyfriend were standing around close to my bed, probably praying and hoping for a miracle to happen. My mother would probably be holding my right hand, crying. While my father holding my left hand and trying to be a man by holding back his tears. It didn’t matter now to me who was with me. After all, I’d soon be seeing the light at the end of the dark tunnel.

To be honest, I was already fed up of the suffering I was facing now and so I couldn’t even wait to leave. Like a racer who can not wait to reach the finish line, I just couldn’t wait to die. I bet even God himself couldn’t wait to see me in his kingdom.

Humanity is like a race. One starts and will surely end. The images of all the steps I have ever taken and all the things I have ever done from birth up till today began to flash through my eyes. I could clearly see myself sitting close to my boyfriend, cuddling and kissing. As a teenager, that was one of my best times. Everything I am seeing right now had happened while I was still agile and up. It all portrayed itself like a movie, a rather realistic movie.

The amazing power one receives at the brink of death is the ability to remember a moment or scene which had been long forgotten. I could see my one year old self in a room. Not that I could remember this scene because what I’m seeing right now had happened when I was a baby. I was in a cradle at the bedside while my mother was on the bed. A man who didn’t seem to be my father was on the bed with her and my mother was made to do what a normal married woman wouldn’t do with someone who isn’t her husband.
My mother had taken off her blouse and dropped the shoulder strap of her white Brazier to let a man who isn’t her husband to suck on her breast. Such a view is capable of damaging my life as a growing child, mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. But I was still a baby, I had no idea of what was happening. This scene had happened sixteen years ago and as a baby, I couldn’t depict what was happening that moment and I really don’t blame my mother for doing what she was doing. She had been experiencing a rough patch ever since her young age. Mother’s addiction to many things weren’t something good to write home about.
Moreover, a child had to be at least four to five years old before that child becomes observant to the surroundings. And even if the child becomes observant at the very earliest, it would be at age three and that child would be observant at a degree of rationality because at a very early stage of one to two years, everything in the child’s brain is still registered as an incomprehensive chaos and that alone makes the child free of judgement from both God and man.
Have one paused to think or ask oneself, “at what age did I start observing things around me? What was our first ever memory? What is the first thing you remember?”
As for me, the first ever memory I had was waking up to see my mother in my bedroom as early as 6am. It was the 3rd of July, 2008. I just turned five. Mother carried me and began to sing the ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG’ and then she whispered softly to me “Happy birthday my little angel”. Mother being happy is something we rarely see and so I curiously asked her “Mom! What is a happy birthday?” and then she giggled and replied “it is your birthday”. I still couldn’t understand her, so I requested her explanation and so she went ahead to explain saying “your birthday is the anniversary of the day you were born. Five years ago on the 3rd of July you were born and today being the 3rd of July 2008, makes it five years of your existence in the world and that is why we call it your birthday”. Honestly, I still couldn’t grasp, I had no idea what mother was talking about but in time I learnt to understand what a birthday is all about.
I also remember the first time I rode a bicycle. Father was the one who thought me to ride a bike. Mother was out of town for a convention and so father was left with the responsibility of teaching me how to ride. After all, he bought the bicycle for me as a birthday gift when I turned 7 and so he himself had to teach me to ride. Although, I broke few bones while learning but now I’m perfect in it. I also remember learning how to swim, how to play a piano, how to play football-I really love sport a lot. I remember playing a lot and having fun with my younger brother and my best friend. Although we had a lot of misunderstandings but they were one of the best things that have ever happened to me. But it’s such a shame that all these memories are about to leave.

I finally found myself in a dark tunnel, sighted the light afar off and that’s when I knew my time was up. I was slowly fading away and further getting pushed to the light with great force.

Death is a regular circumstance that can happen to anyone at anytime, it is a sleep in time, a deep sleep, a pause in life. The world we live in is not as balanced as we think it is. Everything we do is for a personal judgement somewhere else. After all, we all came into this world alone and surely we will all leave alone just as I am leaving alone.
As soon as I got to the light, I heard someone calling my name from afar behind me Amanda, Amanda. Just then I began to wonder, what actually went wrong? How did I end up here?.